Open Houses

There is something about an open house at my home that exhausts me.

Yes, there is the physical aspect of all the cleaning.   But I think it is an emotional aspect that gets me.  The change, some sadness, anxiety.

7pm and I am in bed, reading and blogging.

The minute I sank into the crisp white sheets I started to feel better.

Oh, by the way, there is no better color sheet for summer than white.

There is something about white sheets in the summer that is just divine.

Sunday

Today was an open house.

So yesterday was scrub-a-dub-dub-dub-dub....and I mean everything.  Washed the carpeting by hand. Washed the floors, on my hands and knees.  Cleaned all the baseboards. Vacuumed.  Washed windows.  Clean linens. Lovely bed treatments.  Bathrooms.  Kitchen.  Etc. Etc. Etc.

My house truly looked lovely.

When the realtor came, I felt quite emotional.  I don't even really know why.  Frustrated maybe that the house is taking a while to sell.  Scared maybe that I have not found the perfect house in my price range.  Wondering if in fact there is a perfect house in my price range...

Pema, as in Pema Chodron, shares that if we sit with our emotions, just sit with them, and not let them become anger or drama, that they generally pass in 90 seconds.  I think it takes longer than 90 seconds for me, but otherwise she is right.  If I just sit with my emotion, not getting all caught up in it, or playing my thoughts over and over in my head, then they do indeed pass fairly quickly.

While the open house was 'on', Lea, my beagle, and I drove around for three hours.  First stop was a local harbor where, who knew?!, the ship captains apparently keep treats for dogs who walk by.  My dog was in her glory.  She then slept for most of the rest of the time in the back seat while I periodically drove and parked, drove and parked.

I meditated this morning during the 21-Day Meditation experience that Oprah and Deepak are running.  Love, love, love it.  This is my third one and they are life-changing.  This morning's message was all about hope.  How perfect for me. See, self, the universe is cradling you, even giving you the messages you need.

I am going to relax this evening.  Maybe watch a Robin Williams movie, and remember to give literal or figurative embraces to those I meet to lighten their load.

Namaste.

Well, that was different

An unusually large number of people smiled at me today.

Truly.

Many more than usual.

It was the type of thing that made me want to turn around and see who people were smiling at, but they were all smiling at me.

Wonder what's up with that?

The only thing different about me is that I am letting my hair grow.

I tend to scowl.  Maybe I look less intimidating with longer-ish hair?

No idea.

But I like it.

I plan to smile at everyone tomorrow, so they too can go home and feel good that everyone smiled at them.

I know it's just stuff....

...but I am delighted I treated myself to a new Mac.

This is my first new personal laptop/computer ever.  I always had hand me-downs from my ex or my kids.  But this is sleek and shiny and new....and I feel modern and hip...and I realize how much a treat can lift one.

Consider me lifted.

Reminder

I read this morning:

"Self-love and self-care are essential for change."


Remember that, dear self.

Learning as I go....

So, first of all....you know that 'post twice a day' thing I said yesterday?  Not gonna happen.

I did not post in the morning, but at least I am here in the evening.

So, what happened today that takes me closer to where I want to be?

I read a quote about Thoreau, which makes we want to re-read Walden Pond.  I would love a Walden Pond experience, but would prefer it to happen with a groovy, like-minded man.  True that.

Good things happened at work, meaning positive feedback about my contributions.  But there you have the 'external validation' again.  The goal is to feel good in spite of external messages.  To celebrate me regardless.  To know I add value even if not everyone sees it or acknowledges it.  To find my rewards internally.

I am beginning to accept that the house I visualize for the next phase of life is going to cost more than I would like to pay.  So I need to figure out whether I want to:  a) change my expectations or b) accept greater financial debt in the form of a mortgage.

But for now -

My daughter is watching TV and eating a salad next to me as I type.  We spent the past hour googling houses for sale in Ocean Grove and dreaming of moving there.  This, right here on my couch, is the best part of my day.

Evening Reflections

My goal is to write every morning and every evening.

The reason for doing that is to create heightened mindfulness and awareness.

It seems that I go through life a lot without thinking.  I am doing this and that and the other thing, but those actions too frequently take me from the person I want to be, from the best person I am, rather than to that person.

I am 58 years old.  I hope I am blessed with old age, but the clock just doesn't stop ticking and I feel I have lost time not paying enough attention to living the way that I want.

So, we have my three things:

• healthy eating
• new home
• greater work fulfillment

What did I do today to take me closer to those?

I went to Whole Foods - woot!  And the Acme, our local supermarket.  I am stocked up on fruit and veggies and yogurt.  I had salad and edamame for dinner - another woot!   And a glass of wine.  I can do this.  And it is not just about looking better.  When I weigh less than I do now, it just feels like the real me.  Currently, my real me is hidden by 20 pounds of fat which, to be honest, I have to say was intentional because I ate to numb myself from stress.  Give me that ol' sugar high so I wouldn't be sad or mad or scared. Sugar is my crack and we are coming off of that addiction now.  Time to feel what my life is like and if there is too much stress or sadness or anger, best make some changes rather than keep hiding from them by eating.

I drove to see a house that look nice online.  Hm.  Not as nice on the outside as I had hoped.  Sent a note to my realtor that I would still like to see the inside.  And found another home online that I would like to see.  This is good.  Itty bitty progress there.

And work, well, back to work tomorrow.  Going to try to get in early; I am most productive then.  Don't really have a plan for improvement there yet other than keep working hard and I know that alone will not change anything.

See, the 'plan' is about the mindfulness.  Being aware.  Being intentional.  Not letting my life dribble out and away without living the way I really want to.  That's the crux of the plan.

So what did not go well today in terms of living and being as I aspire to be?

Well, I have a Sunday routine of buying coffee for my daughter at Dunkin Donuts before she goes to work.  I bought and ate a chocolate chip muffin.  I even asked for one with lots of sugar on top.  (Insert cringing here...)  So, you know, when I start the day with a choc chip muffin, there is really no recovery from that in terms of calories.  The rest of the day was good though, so I am not beating myself up.

I did not meditate - yet.  Unless of course, this is my meditation - which it very well could become, at least one form of it.  I will meditate before bed.

My aspiration - to keep open my authentic core which provides the power to soar.